This recent article.
The little girl pictured.
It breaks my heart & brings it all rushing back.
I see myself & my struggles all throughout school…having my dad help me…crying all the time…wondering why I didn’t get it & everyone else did. Why was I so stupid, why me?! I always sat in the back of class hoping the teacher wouldn’t call on me. I remember the tears distinctively…sitting at my dad’s desk doing flash cards over & over until late in the night, crying myself to sleep. My wonderful dad, he even developed a special visual/spatial way for me to study that stuck! I got it once it was explained visually to me but I don’t remember ever having a teacher that noticed that, or that took the time to explain things a different way to me, except for my father. I was a number in school, I HATED school. Well – except for art class, that I LOVED.
As a spatial/visual learner, I prefer using images, pictures, colors, and maps to organize information and communicate with others.
Feeling “dumb” always was in the back of mind, I hated tests, ALWAYS did poorly, always failed – I guess that’s why I always felt stupid. And then having both my mom, and dad of higher education & extensive academia backgrounds, both with their PhD’s, and both teachers (college professors) by trade (plus both siblings with straight A’s and in the TAG program), I felt I had a lot to live up to.
And, I felt I was always failing.
And from this article, this paragraph really hit a nerve inside me…
“In the midst of all of this, I walked past my daughter. She looked up at me, her face red from crying, I could see that tears had been collecting at her collar “I just can’t do this,” she sobbed…. It took just two days of standardized testing for her to doubt herself, quickly trading a love of learning for the shame of incompetence. Later on when I picked her up after her long seven-hour day, she whispered into my shoulder “I’m just not smart mom. Not like everyone else. I’m just no good at kindergarten, just no good at all.”
It wasn’t until my late twenties, a far time from kindergarten, that for some reason I had that sense of an “I can do it” spirit, that arose from somewhere, that gave me the nerve to apply for and pursue higher education. And just think, it was completely different back then – I didn’t even have standardized testing at FIVE, in kindergarten.
I’m so happy that I went to college & became myself. I gained an immense amount of confidence during those years & realized I wasn’t at all dumb, I just wasn’t taught the way I needed to be taught, with a spatial learning style. I thrived in college at 27, and actually felt more connected to the teachers as my peers. I sat in the front, the closest I could get to the teacher, hoping to get picked for a question. I began to love myself, and love education. I wasn’t intimated to ask questions – like I was in lower education – I knew they respected my questions and thoughts & never felt like I was being pushed aside for the masses like in high school/elementary school.
And, you know what’s ironic – truly ironic?! Because at some point I decided that maybe, just maybe, hmmm let’s just see, I wonder if I’m as “dumb” as I think I am, or as dumb as those tests made me feel. Well, I wasn’t! I even became valedictorian in college – ME?! – VALEDICTORIAN! what?! what?! I still can’t believe it myself – I graduated with a 4.0 that I maintained the entire time in college! How did someone that struggled (I mean, tons of tears struggled) throughout her entire years of elementary/high school, barely scraping by with passing grades, achieve this?! Through the way that I learn – the right way for me – visually/spatially – through design (my degree is a BFA in Fashion Design btw) – not through standardized testing. Through physically doing it, designing it, cutting it, measuring it… not by reading a question about doing it, by circling dots on paper.
Standardized testing/common core testing tears on pulls out, yanks on, & drags across the room, my heart strings and my core.
I’ve been there, I lived it, I was that little girl, misunderstood, feeling dumb, feeling of absolutely no value.
I get it – and it wasn’t until I had children of my own that I REALLY get it. I think that, common core testing alone, may hold a good percentage in my mental homeschooling reasoning graph (well, besides 549 other things that keep me up at night).
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